Homesick

I was looking through pictures of my friends' travels to the US; California and New York. As I was looking at the various pictures I started see things and places I haven't in several years. I saw resturaunts and drinks I haven't had access to in quite some time. And suddenly I felt myself starting to miss them.

It's not that I used those products often; maybe once every 4+ months. It was the fact that I no longer could get it if I wanted it. The choice was no longer mine to make.

I walked away and took a shower and for 20 minutes my mind went back and forth; from I miss ____(place, food, person, experience) to ...wait a second, I've been out of that country for how long? Two and a half years? Seriously, 2 1/2 years and I'm feeling homesick for...the first time? Maybe the second?

I think I've felt this way before while living here. Maybe around a year or so ago. So that's twice in 2 1/2 years.

But I felt that before; frequently in my hometown. I was with family, friends, a job that I still miss to this day, and access to all things in my home-culture. Yet I felt homesick there for here.

And now it's been about twenty minutes from when I started to feel homesick and now I just feel confused. I'm not homesick, I have found my place in the world, but I don't have access to the things I used to for most of my life. And then the best thing happened. Talking about this outloud, my friend responded with "most of your life so far."

Just because I have lived most of my life in country A doesn't mean I have to be tethered to it. I have the chance to continue to live in country B. To continue to make my life here.

To quote the movie "Traitor" "what language do you dream in?" I don't really dream in other languages but I find myself more and more thinking in the language of country B.

I will continue to ponder my identity as I am not fully country A and not fully country B; and I never will be. I've talked to and read from people who have done this 20 years+ and then they came to that conclusion. I find peace that I know that now.